I’ve been holding this in for a while now because I guess I was afraid of expressing how I feel. Lately I’ve been wondering if sacrificing everything: my social life, my grades; just for swimming was worth it. I guess I’m very close to losing my passion, my motivation for continuing to even try anymore. REGRET. I don’t want to lose my passion, my motivation for swimming and look back and wish I didn’t sacrifice so much for it. I also don’t want to lose my passion, my motivation for swimming but still forced to continue on with swimming. I’ve seen swimmers who have lost their passion for swimming but are still forced to swim. It breaks my heart to see that. They use to love swimming but now it’s something that they just hate. I don’t want to be like that. It’s been a while since I’ve really have that motivation to get in the water and push myself beyond my limits. That motivation to get in the water and show people what I’ve made of. The last time I had that much passion was last year during HS swim season. That HS swim season ignited a fire. I had so much fun with my teammates, coaches, and it felt great to swim at HS meets and beat the person next to you. I wasn’t just representing myself, I was representing my team. While in club swimming you are basically representing yourself. In HS swimming, I felt like I was representing something much bigger than myself, I was representing my high school. I remember when I broke the WCAL 50 fly record, it was the greatest feeling in the world. I remember wanting to break that record SO BAD. I wanted it more than anything in the world. During that HS swim season, I was so happy. I found happiness whenever I got into the pool. I got in the pool everyday with eagerness because I wanted to break that record. In the days leading up to WCAL, my brother gave me pep talks and I’m truly great full for that. Those pep talks helped me because he helped me believe in myself and he also gave me insight on his own experience. On the day of trials of WCAL, I went a 29.13, and the record was 28.65. That record was made the previous WCAL by my teammate. I remember being mad and disappointed in myself. I became discouraged but my brother told me to believe in myself, I know I can do it, he knows I can do it. Just believe in myself. On the day of finals I was so nervous, I wanted to beat that record so bad. I had to swim fly in the 200 medley relay that day, my split was a 28.83. When I saw that time I started to have some hope. “Believe in yourself”, I repeated that until the very moment when I got onto the block. I got onto the block and just looked at the water. The only standing between me and beating the record was this water. Everything that I’ve worked for all comes down to this race. When I swam that race, I felt invincible, it felt like the water was working with me instead of against me. As soon as I finished I looked to the clock. It read 28.30, I didn’t believe it so I took off my goggles to look at the time again. I was just in so much shock. My teammates were cheering and the girl that held the previous record, my teammate, my friend was screaming on the top of her lungs and came to congratulate me when I walked toward the warm down pool. I was unbelievably happy. After the race my brother’s girlfriend told me that when I beat the record, my brother was screaming and jumping up and down in the stands. He was so happy and proud. When the meet finished I went to go talk to my coach, he told me with the time I have for 50 fly that my 100 fly was ridiculous. He told me that he wants me to come back the next HS swim season with a 1:01 for 100 fly. I told him I will. That summer I knew what I wanted. I wanted to work on my fly so I would be ready for next HS swim season. From that time until now I’ve been working just for HS swim season. I want to prove myself. The year of 2011 is almost over and I realized that HS swim season is coming up. I still don’t have a 1:01. And that seriously is depressing. I told my coach I will come back with a 1:01 and I don’t have that time, I have a 1:02.44. In my mind that isn’t good enough. I don’t think I will get that 1:01 in time because lately I have lost sight of swimming. My passion and motivation for swimming is hanging by a thread. I don’t ever want to lose that passion and motivation and have to continue on with swimming. I don’t want to lose my passion and motivation and look back and regret things. If I didn’t sacrifice so much for swimming then my life would have probably turned out different. I don’t EVER want it to get to that. I feel like I’m fighting so hard to push myself but I’m failing.